Open Field

There you are, 

Like the sun. 

A warmth through the window, and I know it’s you grabbing my hand, 

Telling me I’m not done. 

I’m not abandoned.

And I don’t have to martyr myself living a life without comfort, 

You’re here. 

You’re holding me. Compassionate to my fears, sensitive to my needs, loving and kind when the world is not. 

I don’t need to hide my true self from you, pour my feelings out to people who can’t hold them or distract myself into dullness. 

For you know how these things well up in me, how I go from a calm sea to tsunami in a heartbeat. 

How the shadows make my heart beat, how the uncertainty tickles my feet and makes me want to flee. 

How quickly I go back to surviving, abundant life sucked dry until I’m dancing with scarcity,

While gardens grow from your hands and you beckon me. 

Lord, all I know how to do is eat the crumbs off the table, 

Curl inside myself to find warmth from the winds, 

An expert in holding my breath and numbing my needs. 

But you are an open field, so full of freedom and still I search for a corner to cower in. 

You are a forest full of fruits and fun and I only see the places to hide, the places I could run. 

My mind is an engine that won’t switch off, always trying to cover my ears from the alarm as it rages on, and on, and on. 

How much I hate the silence, it’s promise false for so long I no longer trust it. 

Stability, too still to soften my rushing energy. 

Oh it’s not fair! In you Jesus I find it, that thing I’m always searching for, that goal I’m always reaching towards, 

Life. 

Why can’t I just grasp it?